What Do You Want In Your Relationship?

One of my friends continually goes through a routine when dating. Its like she is caught up in her own dating groundhog day. For most of her life, she has been single. She spends lots of time in clubs, bars, going to the races, all the places you would expect she would go so she can meet men. She invests a lot of time doing this. Every so often, she meets someone she really likes and they start dating. A few weeks later, something changes, she gets confused and he disappears from her life.

Typically when asking her about these encounters, I ask "What went wrong?". This question is typically responded to with a list of all the things that were wrong with him. My impression is that sometimes her issues are valid, but often she expects her partners to be super-human, forgetting that as humans, we all have out limitations.

 

Accepting the limitations in each other is a big part of dating and relationships. Our limitations are what make us human. They are what make us needed in a relationship. They are where we find room to grow, and it is only here, where our limitations exist, that true love of the unconditional variety, can be found.

 

Keeping this in mind, the next time she went through this cycle, I asked her a different question. I asked her "What were you feeling during this short relationship?". Her answer was quite insightful. She told me that it is weird. That when she is single, all she can think about are the benefits a relationship can bring, which she does not have in her life. In recognising these, she realises she wants the feelings those benefits bring (safety, security, being supported and loved) and therefore realises she wants a partner. However as soon as she enters a relationship, she sees the benefits of the single life which she has compromised away, realises she does not want a partner in her life anymore and ends it, no matter how suitable he is. This has been the cycle of her romantic life for close on 10 years now.

 

There is no problem in chasing what you want and making decisions about your life today, so you can create the reality you want tomorrow. This is what we all should be doing in our lives. However, to do this properly, you need to know what you want. You need to be clear in your own mind where you are going. In her romantic life, my friend clearly has no idea what she wants. Instead of thinking about what she really wants and moving in that direction, all she thinks about is what she does not have and is missing out on. Instead of spending the time working it out in her own mind, she makes one decision after another, based on the whim of the moment. And so, she has found herself in this cycle where her romantic life has not developed for 10 years.

 

This issue is one which has been recognised by the great book, Catch Him and Keep Him. It deals specifically with the issue of sorting out in your mind, the partner and relationship you want. It has some exercises that you can use to help crystalise this in your mind. This self knowledge then becomes your power when dating. You know what you want, so you know how to proceed when dating specific men. You know the behaviors that are acceptable and the ones that aren't, so you know how to respond to situations that aren't perfect. And given the knowledge of yourself and where you want to go, you'll know when it is right for you to persist with a relationship, despite the hiccups that always occur. And you'll know when it is right to "throw the baby out with the bath water" and move on.